Emotion coaching: Helping kids cope with negative feelings

© 2022 GWEN DEWAR, PH.D., ALL RIGHTS RESERVED

Emotion coaching is the practice of tuning into children's feelings, and helping kids learn to cope with — and self-regulate — negative emotions like fear, acrimony, and sadness.  Equally proposed by psychologist John Gottman, the practise includes these fundamental components:

• becoming aware of emotions, even depression-intensity emotions, in yourself and your kid;
• viewing negative emotions as opportunities for "intimacy or teaching";
• accepting and validating your children'due south feelings;
• helping your child depict and label emotions with words; and (when a kid has calmed down)
• talking with your child virtually practical strategies for dealing with the situations that trigger difficult emotions.

Does this arroyo make a difference? Yes. Here'due south an overview of emotion coaching and its effects, with some tips for condign a more than constructive emotion coach.

Tuning in: Why kids need united states of america to empathize

Their bodies might be small, but the same tin't be said for their emotional reactions. Young children encounter lots of frustrations and reasons for negativity. They are frequently beset past emotions like anger, sadness, feet, and fright.

What can we do nigh it?

Evidently, kids are works in progress. Parts of the brain that specialize in cocky-regulation are still developing, so we shouldn't expect a 3-yr-old kid to handle disappointment in the same way that a thirty-year-former does.

Moreover, immature children lack our life experiences. They are but beginning to larn how emotions piece of work. They aren't as competent at reading other people's feelings and intentions. They demand opportunities to learn and practise.

And some children have a tougher time than others. Sure personality traits are quite stable over time, and some personality traits put you lot at greater take chances for emotional problems – like moodiness, aggression, anxiety, or depression.

But that doesn't mean that kids can't improve. Children, fifty-fifty young children, can learn how to ameliorate manage their moods. They just need our help. The trick is to make sure we provide it.

Dismissing, disapproving, and ignoring

How do you react when your child is upset? John Gottman and his colleagues have identified several mutual patterns.

In some cases, parents dismiss their children's negative emotions. They send the bulletin that the feelings are dizzy or unimportant.

In other cases, parents are disapproving. They take notice of their children's feelings, simply regard displays of negative emotion offensive.

And sometimes parents admit and have their children'south negative feelings, but make no endeavor to help their kids cope.

They often see negative emotions, similar sadness, "every bit something to become over, ride out, but expect beyond and not dwell on" (Gottman et al 1996). They might wish at that place was something more they could do, merely they don't know what that something is.

These parents — who dismiss, disapprove, or ignore — aren't necessarily insensitive to their children. On the contrary, they may detect it painful to witness their children in distress. Merely they fail to teach children how to handle those emotional storms going on inside.

Instead, they remain on the sidelines, or try to suppress the emotions through teasing, threats, or punishment. For instance, they might respond to a child's acrimony by imposing a "fourth dimension out" – even if the child hasn't done anything wrong (Gottman et al 1996).

Emotion coaching represents a very different approach.

Parents who adopt an emotion coaching philosophy view their children's bad moods as opportunities to sympathize, connect, and teach.

They take time to run across things from the child'due south perspective, and make the kid feel understood and respected. They talk with kids virtually emotions, and help children put their ain feelings into words.

They likewise help kids come with strategies for dealing with negative emotions, and the situations that that trigger such emotions.

How does emotion coaching work?

Researchers have a lot to say about this. They have even created special grooming programs to help parents become effective emotion coaches.  Yous can learn more by visiting opens in a new windowJohn Gottman'due south website. Merely here'southward a crude overview of procedure.

one. Effort to find signs of emotion before your child's feelings become intense.

Is your child looking a bit frustrated? Disappointed? Lamentable? Worried? Your initial reaction might exist to ignore information technology, and push by whatsoever situation has given rise these feelings. But researchers advise the opposite. This is a gilt opportunity to cheque in with your child.

Tell your kid you've noticed a change (east.g., "You seem a piddling quiet…") and invite your child to talk about the crusade. If you suspect a specific trigger, bring it up gently (e.grand., "maybe your finding information technology a niggling hard, having to take turns with your blood brother…")

2. Listen, validate, and prove empathy.

You need to exist calm for this, and fix to imagine things from your child's perspective. No, yous don't have to take memories of what information technology was like to exist a toddler or teenager, though of course that could be helpful. What yous really need to do is relate to your kid's experiences, and you can practice this by drawing parallels in your own life.

For example, if your child feels rejected or humiliated at school, you can imagine being in a similar situation at work. If your kid is upset about being asked to share a favorite toy, enquire how you lot would experience if somebody asked yous to hand over your phone — with all your personal information on information technology.

You don't have to approve of all your child's behavior. Hitting other people, for example, isn't adequate. Just your child needs to know that y'all understand the emotions he or she is struggling with. Y'all can chronicle to the situation, and empathize. Y'all tin can see why your child feels that way.

3. Assist your child find verbal labels to describe his or her emotions.

Learning how to verbalize emotions is valuable for multiple reasons. It'southward useful for talking with other people, evidently. Merely it can also assistance united states shift into a more discrete, analytical mode, and view our emotions as a normal, human reaction to a triggering situation.

So, as nosotros listen and empathise with our kids, we tin can aid them identify what — exactly — their feelings are. The thought isn't to tell children how they should feel. But rather to inquire questions, volunteer our ain experiences, and help your child analyze his or her own emotions.

For instance, suppose a child arrives at a pizza party. She wants cheese pizza, only all the cheese pizza has been eaten. There is only pepperoni pizza left, and the kid hates pepperoni. The child starts to get upset, so the adult listens, empathizes, and helps the child verbalize her feelings.

Adult: "It looks like you're feeling upset about that."

Child: "I simply want cheese pizza. I tin can't eat pepperoni!"

Adult: "I know what you mean. That's happened to me earlier…I idea I was going to go to eat my favorite food, and and then they didn't have any. I felt really disappointed and frustrated."

Child: "I'm mad because other kids got to eat cheese pizza. It isn't fair!"

Adult: Yeah, that'south a really hard feeling, when something happens that isn't fair. Information technology can make you feel mad, even when it isn't anybody's fault. Like this political party. Nobody meant information technology to happen. Merely it still can make us feel mad about it."

4. If your child is in the grip of strong emotions, allow for fourth dimension to at-home down.

When your kid is upset, you might be tempted  to kickoff problem-solving, or to expect your child to starting time reasoning with you about the state of affairs. Simply powerful emotions — including anxiety, anger, and fear — trigger a "fight or flight" response. They block our ability to reason and control our impulses, and make u.s. vulnerable to overreacting to additional triggers.

And then if, for instance, a child is highly-distressed near going to the doctor, this isn't the time to list all the reasons why medical visits are of import, or to bribe or force per unit area your kid to cooperate. The immediate focus is to take a intermission, and allow the stress response to air current down. Look for signs that your child's breathing has slowed downwards and become more regular.

5. If needed  — and when your child is ready — you can also focus on problem-solving.

This includes setting limits, and talking with your child about possible ways to prevent or avoid hereafter conflicts. For instance, if — during an angry tantrum — you child hit his brother, you will want to reaffirm that this beliefs is unacceptable. You lot can talk over why we have rules like these, and ask your child to call up of other, adequate ways to cope with acrimony in the future.

What would be fair? Condom? Kind and respectful to others? If your kid suggests solutions that are impractical or problematic, you can point out these difficulties, and share solutions that take worked for you in the by.

---

Testify: Does emotion coaching really brand a deviation?

Observational studies prove consequent links between emotion coaching and amend child outcomes.

Children who are coached have fewer emotional and behavior problems, including problems with acrimony, feet, and acting out (Hurrell et al 2017; Dumcombe et al 2014; Short et al 2010; Gottman et al 1996). They also tend to develop ameliorate social skills and peer relationships (Denham et al 1997; Gottman et al 1996).

Do such correlations prove causation? Not necessarily. It might exist that socially-adept, well-behaved children inspire parents to talk with them nearly emotional issues.

Merely at that place is likewise experimental evidence. If y'all take children who take behavior bug, and train their parents to act as meliorate emotion coaches, the kids tend to improve (Duncombe et al 2016; Havighurst et al 2013). And even a brief reminder can take an consequence.

In a written report involving preschoolers, researchers spent just xv minutes reinforcing parents' emotion coaching practices. Immediately afterward, they watched while the parents interacted with their children during a challenging job. Mail service-intervention, parents showed more emotional sensitivity and good sense of humour, and their kids responded to frustrating events with greater persistence and enthusiasm (Loop and Roskam 2016).

Of grade, this doesn't hateful that emotion coaching is a magic catholicon. Some kids have troubles that require more than emotion coaching to remedy (Dunsmore et al 2016). But information technology makes sense that empathy, sensitive talk, and thoughtful problem-solving would help children develop emotional competence. Here'due south some evidence-based advice for doing it well.

Tips for being a better emotion jitney

1. Is your child'south behavior stressing you out? Await after your own needs so you tin can arroyo the situation with calmness, realistic expectations, and empathy.

Information technology's important non to take your child'due south misbehavior personally. For help, see this article about opens in a new windowcoping with ambitious or defiant kids, and these opens in a new windowtips for treatment parenting stress.

2. Seize everyday opportunities to talk about feelings and the situations that trigger them.

Studies suggest that immature children who go to talk nearly the causes and effects of emotions develop better emotional competence. For more than information, run into these opens in a new windowtips for fostering empathy.

iii. Don't ignore or trivialize your child's feelings, or punish your child for displaying negative emotions.

If your child is having a temper tantrum, it makes sense to step back and avoid intervening until the fury has passed. Just once your kid has calmed down plenty to listen, exist ready talk with your child about what he or she is feeling. Some beliefs isn't adequate, and we need to make that clear. Only nosotros should likewise make it articulate that we admit and accept our children'southward emotions (Gottman et al 1996).

four. Instill a hopeful, constructive mindset.

If kids call back they are "bad," they may experience helpless nearly their ability to alter. So it's important for kids to sympathise that they tin can improve with do. 1 manner to communicate this lesson by taking opens in a new windowa effective approach to correcting your child's mistakes.

5. Enrich your coaching tactics with enquiry-based insights about emotion.

These bear witness-based tips can help yous opens in a new windowteach your child to overcome negative impulses and emotions.

6. Be aware of the pitfalls of authoritarian parenting.

Stern, dictatorial approaches to parenting have often been linked with depression, anxiety, and depression cocky-esteem in children. By contrast, authoritative parenting – which emphasizes emotional warmth, and reasoning with children – is linked with the best outcomes. For more information, check out these articles:

• The authoritative parenting style: Warmth, rationality, and loftier standards
• opens in a new windowDisciplinarian parenting: How does it touch on the kids?

---

References

Denham SA, Mitchell-Copeland J, Strandberg K, and Auerbach S. 1997. Parental Contributions to Preschoolers' Emotional Competence: Direct and Indirect Effects. Motivation and Emotion 21(1): 65-86.

Duncombe ME, Havighurst SS, Kehoe CE, Holland KA, Frankling EJ, and Stargatt R5. 2016. Comparing an Emotion- and a Beliefs-Focused Parenting Program as Office of a Multsystemic Intervention for Child Comport Problems. J Clin Kid Adolesc Psychol. 45(3):320-34.

Dunsmore JC, Booker JA, Ollendick Thursday, Greene RW. 2016. Emotion Socialization in the Context of Risk and Psychopathology: Maternal Emotion Coaching Predicts Better Handling Outcomes for Emotionally Labile Children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Soc Dev. 25(1):viii-26.

Gottman JM, Katz LF, Hooven C. 1996. Parental meta-emotion philosophy and the emotional life of families: theoretical models and preliminary data. Periodical of Family unit Psychology. 10:243–268.

Havighurst SS, Wilson KR, Harley AE, Kehoe C, Efron D, Prior MR. 2013. opens in a new window"Tuning into Kids": reducing young children's behavior problems using an emotion coaching parenting program. Kid Psychiatry Hum Dev. 44(two):247-64.

Hurrell KE, Houwing FL, Hudson JL. 2017. Parental Meta-Emotion Philosophy and Emotion Coaching in Families of Children and Adolescents with an Anxiety Disorder. J Abnorm Kid Psychol. 45(iii):569-582.

Katz LF, Maliken Air conditioning, and Stettler NM. 2012. Parental meta‐emotion philosophy: A review of inquiry and theoretical framework. Child Development Perspectives, six(4), 417-422.

Loop 50 and Riskam I. 2016. Do children behave better when parents' emotion coaching practices are stimulated? A micro-trial study. Journal of Child and Family unit Studies 25(7): 2223–2235.

Shortt JW, Stoolmiller M, Smith-Shine JN, Marking Eddy J, Sheeber L. 2010. Maternal emotion coaching, adolescent anger regulation, and siblings' externalizing symptoms. J Kid Psychol Psychiatry. 51(7):799-808.

Image of emotion coaching by opens in a new windowJesus Dieguez Fernandez / flickr

Content last modified 9/2021

gonzalezcrigoithave.blogspot.com

Source: https://parentingscience.com/emotion-coaching/